Thank You for listening

Prayer answered.

Energy somewhat returned. Focus better. Some work completed. Not all, but a measurable amount.

Best of all - self-esteem slightly improved.

It's wondrous. Admit difficulty, call for help - and things change.

I have such a luxurious life.

Thank You.



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failure, procrastination, failure

they are dogging me these days.

And I would like this part of things to be over now, please.

I go to bed at night and think like I used to when I was twelve, or sixteen, or twenty-one.

"Tomorrow will be different. I will be different. I will exercise. I will eat right. I will do what I am supposed to do. I will lose weight. I will be beautiful. I will win the lottery. I will be rich. I will have the fantasy life I deserve..."

I signed up for a Coaching thing online. They sent me a few little tweaky notes, like, "Maria... a gentle reminder..."

I do not like gentle reminders. I rear my inner head at them, like a racehorse flaring its elegant nostrils, full of disdain.

I am obstinate and defiant and it is getting profoundly uncomfortable.

Help, please. I need a dose of focus and willingness to change. I don't really need any more excuses. Yes, I have some things on my plate. A son, a husband, too many tiny part-time work things that I mostly want to avoid. Yes, my husband has his stuff, and my son is five and in school a grand total of 12 hours a week, yes, yes, yes. And.

People work. I need to work. I have work to do. Work people will pay me for. I cannot avoid it. I am not rich. Last I checked, I did not win the lottery. I am not 12 anymore. I will never be an Olympic athlete. I will likely never be a movie star. And all the fantasizing in the world will not lead to change, if action does not accompany it.

So I put out my call to the universe, to god and goddess and spirit and all my ancestors -

please, change me. Help me change. Give me the focus and strength to follow a path, any path that you point me towards. At least help me exercise. Help me write for money tomorrow, at least for a little bit, and then the next day, too. Take the wasting time away from me. Help me be of service.

Please and Thank You, Aho and Amen.



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A New Year, A Bowl Full of Cherries

In 2009, my life will be like a bowl full of cherries!

Fresh and juicy, beautiful, succulent, sweet and tart, healthy, natural, nutritious and satisfying.

I will not be a singular fruit, but live in a lovely bowl with others and grow on a tree community filled with sweet beings like me.

This Is My Truth - It Will Be!

May You Make Manifest Your Dreams, Too!

How I Will Create This Reality ~

I will get all the nutrients I need: plenty of water and sun and clean air and love and care.

I will eat health-full, nourishing food.

I will move joyfully and thoroughly use and enjoy and revel in my body ~ I will grow strong and lean again, and still retain my juicy sweetness.

I will find and do work I truly enjoy. I will WRITE. I will ACT. I will be INSPIRED and I will INSPIRE others.

I will surprise myself.

I will live in happy, joyous and free sobriety.

I will love my husband and talk to him joyfully, I will enjoy his company and spend time with him alone.

I will play and teach and learn from and revel in Finn.

I will be clear and sane with money.

I will lean into my higher power and rejuvenate my spiritual life;

I will ask for help and open my arms to receive it.

I will place

myself

my self-care

my well-being

my sobriety and my health

FIRST.

ME

Center Stage

I will return to myself, nurture myself, and be the very best Me I can Be.

And in so doing, love the world, contribute as only I can, be of service as only I can.

I breathe this truth and set it in motion ~ it will be.

I love you all, and send you warm wishes of light and love and peace for the New Year of 2009. If you are reading this, Blessings light upon You.

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Autumnal ramblings

Of a mental sort, at least.

It is the Autumnal Equinox. I got a voicemail this morning, from my dearest friend, wishing me a happy one. Wishing I could join her for a circle of women. I wish that, too.

Leaves will be getting wet, underfoot, soon, on Whidbey Island. I remember a Samhain with Tom Cowan, when Janine was still alive, a circle of wild power at the Marsh House. Is Joy still there, I wonder? Her cat died that night. Sassafras, I think. A cold, wet, windy night with a moon somehow peeking through, and the body of Sassafras quite, quite dead. And we buried her, together. Joy's white hair whipping around, her powerful old body digging into the earth.

I think that happened. Although I might have made it up.

I miss Janine. And Joy. Janine I know has passed on, and I know she's happy there, wherever she is, lighter than air, flying about on pale purple wings I imagine, tending the souls who are hurting, everywhere in the world.

It is the season of dying.

May not seem like it here, in the land of sun, but it is. What part of me will die this Autumn?

What part do I want to die? What part do I want to purge, shed, peel away?

There is so much weight on me. I feel heavier, in every way, than I have in a very, very, very long time. Psychically, painfully heavy. Oppressed, I would go so far to say. And I would like to shed THAT. I would like to shed the weight of regret, of dishonesty, of escapism, of addiction, of un-tended to pain. This is my call, my prayer, for this Autumn.

I intend to shed. I intend to jettison my flotsam. I intend to peel away, I intend to surrender, I intend to heal.

Finn sings behind me: "Down came the rain, and washed the spider out..."

Yes.

Yes.

Please.

Please,

Aho.







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