New Trees

A Summer of such busy-ness draws to a close... much producing, some teaching, lovely weeks of family time in Ohio - including a big family "withunion" as my son named it, a baptism, Cedar Point fun, the Henry County Fair, and more food than I probably should have eaten...

and a Fall full of challenges peeks at me from around the cooling corner...

The view from my window is sunny at the moment, trees still green, front yard browned from a summer of some blasting heat here in Seattle. There's a new tree with two trunks growing up and obscuring the mailbox, coming out of an old stump that we took for dead.

I am feeling some creative stirrings that I hope will become a new tree, or two even.

My son starts kindergarten one week from today. After a spring of research and worry and conviction that we'd wait a year, wait 'til 6, for kindergarten, he went and had a big old growth spurt this summer - not just physically, of course, but more essentially emotionally and psychically. No more fear on the playground at the park, but rather quiet confidence. Interest in other kids and openness to playing with them. Full sentences to adults, "Please may I have that, Mommy?" - "No, I don't like that, Mommy." Processing complex thoughts and questions and possible solutions. And then, after witnessing all that, a call from Leschi Elementary, that he'd leapt off the waiting list and into their Montessori program - so, one week from today, we're going to give a go. See what happens. Hope for the best.

My husband looks ahead to a new hip sometime this fall. More on that later.

Me - I hope for a new laptop, so that I can write anywhere in the world again. I look at the UW Extension Writing Certificate Programs, and I think I might just dive into a year of Popular Fiction... two years ago, I was all set to take the year-long Non Fiction courses when the job and move to San Diego kicked that idea out of commission. And now I think I have another chance - but I'm less drawn to Non Fiction these days. I want to write a novel. One that sells a gazillion copies. And makes me lots and lots and lots of money. So I can buy a house and take care of my family.

It's nice to be clear on that.

And yes, I will apply for some jobs so that I can earn money while I work on that big dream. I'm having a little trouble motivating towards those shorter term steps, but I promise I'll settle down and get to it, tomorrow. And do some grant writing, too.

But now it's time for lunch. Reading a play this afternoon. Maybe one I'll act in this winter...

I'm growing a new tree, or two maybe, I think.



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OMG... Two Days In A Row?

And.... "OMG"? Did I really just write that?

I've entered the texting universe. I was at a work meeting yesterday with some younger folks, talking about scheduling things, and asked if I could email them some information. They looked at me kind of blankly. I pressed on, asking "Is that okay? Do you check email?" And they somewhat sheepishly said, "Well. Not really. We text."

So I guess maybe I will, too.

But that's a sidenote, a small tangent of sorts. It's not why I wanted to post. I came here this morning because I woke up wanting to write, talked myself out of it, glanced at my email, looked at my Facebook, thought Oh, what the hell, I'll look at my blog - and my friend Lisette had posted a comment. And that felt so good... to have been read. To have been heard.

I woke up with ENVY this morning.

That's what I was gonna write about.

I hate ENVY. It is my least favorite feeling, and one that plagued me through my 20's, and sometimes it comes back to visit.

It is enervating - is that the right word? It Takes my Energy, is what I'm trying to say. I leave myself, my world, my son, my husband, my life, to think about Someone Else's Life and long for it.

I was beginning to berate myself for my ENVY, labeling it a character defect or a sin or what-label-have-you, and then a quieter voice spoke up -

"What is your ENVY trying to teach you?"

And whoa. Quiet thunderclap. Of course - I envy because I long for something I think I want, I think I don't have - and maybe those thoughts are true.

I am missing something in my life. Something I want.

It might be dressed up in different colors, and maybe I don't ACTUALLY want to travel the world performing like Mike Daisey and Jean-Michele Gregory (although I do, kinda), and maybe I don't ACTUALLY want to be a surfing Life Coach living at Half Moon Bay like my friend Corrine (although I do, sorta) -

Whatever the exterior activities look like, I realize that I DO want, DO long for Creativity. I want to write and perform again. I long for new experiences, for travel. I long for independence, for self-employment freedom, for MORE FUN.

I have a really good gig. I must admit that. I have a job in the arts. I get to be relatively creative. I am relatively well paid.

But I'm not on stage. I'm struggling spiritually. I'm sliding sideways into dangerous habits of escapism, which I know from long experience means I'm ignoring some real need inside. And if I keep longing for escape, sooner or later I'll take a possibly dangerous step in a likely dangerous direction.

So, this morning, at least, I decided to write.

And now, on a hot Saturday, I'll go be a mom. Finn, my 4 year old son, has our whole day planned. We'll go to:

Mommy & Me Ballet class (us in our sweats with a handful of little girls in pink tutus with their moms in nice exercise clothes);
Starbucks (for our snack/treat)
The Model Train Museum in Balboa Park (to which we MUST ride the Park Trolley), then we'll
Walk Over the Bridge to the Cactus Garden, then we'll
Go to the Rose Garden, then we'll
Go to Another Park

And that will be my Saturday.

Not bad. Not bad.