FB Email Internet Hiatus Interruptus?

I half jestingly wrote this yesterday:

"I am on the verge of a FB hiatus..."

And now I can't stop thinking about it. I know a woman, I'd like to call her a friend because she's so cool, although we did not have much close time together, who took this whole year off the internet. She has two young kids, and a husband with a job I think, and she's a writer and director and thinker - and she took a year off. To write and as she stated herself, get some PR spin.

I was just thinking that I should take a month off - then I started not knowing when. I mean, I work for myself right now. I find and do my work online, most of the time. So, I could drop all personal email and FB stuff, right?

But what is personal these days?

I write and perform, and I go see other writers and performers. And I find out about all the stuff, and share all my stuff, on FB.

And I find out about my family, too, on there.

So maybe not a month.

Maybe just a week. I think I could try that.

As an experiment. I want to see how I feel, how I think, if I'm not logging in here and there and everywhere, and chatting virtual chats with virtual friends who are thousands of miles away.

In the Artists Way series, the authors instruct the participants to take a week off of reading. I remember that - it was astonishing.

I'm going to take a week off email and FB and websites and all internet communications - maybe even a week off my computer entirely. I'm not sure when, I do actually have to look at the work calendar for that. But I'll announce, on FB most likely. 'Cause that's what I do these days, it seems.

But I will do it. I think.

I think I can.

I think I can.

I think I can.



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Today. Just today.

I just read my friend Morgan's post on her wonderful Lucky Break Queue blog, and it was a wonderful way to start the day. She captures so lovingly the joy in life, and make me think about my goal for today.

Today, I hope to enjoy my life just as it is.

The "sin" that has troubled me much of my life is envy - wishing I had something I felt I lacked. Even now. I have such an amazing son. I adore him. He is the brightest light in the entire universe. And. Sometimes I wish I was still single and childless, and could in fact go to India (or Europe, again, or just Spain, or Greece, or...)

It doesn't really matter what I have or who I am - all my life, I've wished for something slightly different. For me, the journey seems to be about loving life right now, just as it is, and that includes loving the part of me that wishes for something else.

For a few brief, early years (like the ones 4 and 5) I wanted to be a veterinarian (not sure why, I wasn't in love with animals - I think it was just a cool thing to wanna be) and then Miss America. Then, at 8, I knew I wanted to be an actress. Actor. Whatever. That desire stayed constant, until maybe 5 years ago. My whole life.

And funnily enough, it allowed me to always dance with some other part of me. Most recently, Emily Dickinson - childless, single recluse. Lovely.

I was just thinking about acting this morning, and doing Belle of Amherst. It was so easy. Not to jinx it ('cause I think we're doing it again) - but I really didn't work very hard at all. Just memorizing the lines, really. Then I just got on stage and said them. So much easier than it used to be. So much less worry and ego and push.

Interesting, that.




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Cleaning House

As I posted yesterday, I got up the courage and found the clarity to put in my request for a Lucky Break.

I just went to read that blog that I am quickly falling in love with, and found a wonderful post about moon magic.

It inspired me to think about this time, now, and what I can do to help myself, my life, my dreams.

I can clean. My house, my inner self, my habits, my whatever-it-is that has been keeping me stuck. Spring is on the way, and now is a ripe and good time to help myself grow, so I can blossom soon.

So I am. I started exercising, a tiny bit but at least something, a few days ago. I'll do so again today.

On Saturday, I'm going to see a friend who is training to be a hypnotherapist.

I have another friend who is training to be a personal coach, and she has invited me to work with her several times - and I've always been too busy, too overwhelmed.

And oddly judgmental, like somehow personal coaching was for a fancier life; I'm concerned with survival here, goddamnit!

But who am I to judge growth, in any form? Who am I to turn away from helping hands of any sort?

My personal growth, my spiritual life, used to be at the forefront of my existence. I attended to it on a daily basis.

Then I got married. Then I had a baby.

And I'm grateful for both of those beings in my life. But it's time to attend, once again, to my own inner house. Time to clean for no reason other than it will help me, help me feel better, clearer, stronger.

I am willing to do the work. I think. And immensely grateful for at least a little chink in the armor of defiance and overwhelm I've allowed to grow around me.

Small steps. Clean house.



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The Lucky Break Queue

My friend has created an amazing blog, and I just sent out a prayer on it... check it out! And send out a request of your own if you are moved to.

http://theluckybreakqueue.blogspot.com/



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Thank You for listening

Prayer answered.

Energy somewhat returned. Focus better. Some work completed. Not all, but a measurable amount.

Best of all - self-esteem slightly improved.

It's wondrous. Admit difficulty, call for help - and things change.

I have such a luxurious life.

Thank You.



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failure, procrastination, failure

they are dogging me these days.

And I would like this part of things to be over now, please.

I go to bed at night and think like I used to when I was twelve, or sixteen, or twenty-one.

"Tomorrow will be different. I will be different. I will exercise. I will eat right. I will do what I am supposed to do. I will lose weight. I will be beautiful. I will win the lottery. I will be rich. I will have the fantasy life I deserve..."

I signed up for a Coaching thing online. They sent me a few little tweaky notes, like, "Maria... a gentle reminder..."

I do not like gentle reminders. I rear my inner head at them, like a racehorse flaring its elegant nostrils, full of disdain.

I am obstinate and defiant and it is getting profoundly uncomfortable.

Help, please. I need a dose of focus and willingness to change. I don't really need any more excuses. Yes, I have some things on my plate. A son, a husband, too many tiny part-time work things that I mostly want to avoid. Yes, my husband has his stuff, and my son is five and in school a grand total of 12 hours a week, yes, yes, yes. And.

People work. I need to work. I have work to do. Work people will pay me for. I cannot avoid it. I am not rich. Last I checked, I did not win the lottery. I am not 12 anymore. I will never be an Olympic athlete. I will likely never be a movie star. And all the fantasizing in the world will not lead to change, if action does not accompany it.

So I put out my call to the universe, to god and goddess and spirit and all my ancestors -

please, change me. Help me change. Give me the focus and strength to follow a path, any path that you point me towards. At least help me exercise. Help me write for money tomorrow, at least for a little bit, and then the next day, too. Take the wasting time away from me. Help me be of service.

Please and Thank You, Aho and Amen.



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Emily, Emily, Wherefore Art Thou Emily?

I have to go learn some lines. Because I am in a play. A big play. For the first time in many, many years...

and sometimes I loathe it. Sometimes I want nothing more than to stay at home on my couch, preferably under a big warm blanket, and hide away... sometimes I want a life wrapped right up in nice soft cotton wool, where edge don't exist and it's just-right warm and muscles don't ache even when not active, where everything and me just drift and drift...

I think opium does that. I don't know. That's just what I've heard. I think it's much less appealing, that drift, from the outside point of view.

What is it about challenge that makes retreat so appealing?

I do not stay on the couch.

I push off, eat food, shower or bathe, brush teeth, drive the car to rehearsal - and usually, while there, I have a very good time.

Emily. Would she have hidden away from the world today?

Would she have been on Facebook?

Have hundreds of friends?

Why does he give so much away, the playwright? Why tell all the secrets of this most private and secretive woman? Why did he do that?

Perhaps he got them all wrong.

What do You know about Emily Dickinson? Tell me. Please.

Oh, and come see my play, if you would. January 22 through February 6. I expect by then I shall be The Belle of Amherst...

more details you may find on:

http://www.soundtheatrecompany.org/



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